Sayonara Cinema

PHANTOM OF DEATH ( 1988 ) A brilliant pianist in his mid-thirties and at the peak of his career is diagnosed with a disease that is quickly eroding his mind and degenerating his body at a rapid rate. Spurned by this disease, the ever maddening Robert lashes out at those who know his secret and are too close to his heart. His murders attract the attention of Inspector Datti, who become obsessed with catching a man whose appearance changes every week. Robert, who knows deep within that he must be stopped, but can not bring himself to merely surrender, eggs Datti on in an cat and mouse in which both the lives of Datti’s daughter and Robert’s pregnant lover at stake.

To many, the name Ruggero Deodato means only two words - CANNIBAL and HOLOCAUST, with a few less knowing his JUNGLE HOLOCAUST and THE HOUSE ON THE EDGE OF THE PARK. But the director has marched on through the eighties and into the millennium churning out lesser quality works as he distanced himself from his landmark pictures. This is one of those flicks, as Deodato works from a trio of screen writers whose work had been previously brought to the screen by Deodato and Lucio Fulci among others.

This psychological slasher is a bit uneven, as the first half hour starts out in strong giallo fashion with two brutally graphic and impressive murder sequences and what appears to be camera tricks to not only keep the killer’s identity a secret, but gives several side characters that will serve as false leads for the audience. This is all disposed of though as Robert is revealed to be the killer, and the film switches gears into a tragedy that watches Robert deteriorate, with some quite convincing make up effects. Robert gets several chances to turn back to his killing stylings, and after several false starts and some hammy silloquies about death and savoring life, the film switches gears back into a thriller, as Robert closes in on his final victim.

Deodato unfortunately blows the gore load pretty early on. The first is an jugular gushing sucker punch as a woman’s throat is gashed open by a sword. Another woman is then impaled before being shoved through a pane of glass. The two shocking kills should promise of even greater grue to splash across the screen later in the film, but unfortunately never does, despite Robert’s menacing threats to kill the young because they have the lives ahead of them and the elderly for having lived a full life.

Michael York, who you’ll recognize as Basil Exposition from the AUSTIN POWERS series, stars as Robert. His physical acting here is far better than the cheesy dialogue he has to chew through, as he easily musters up the proper movements and vocalization to match the always aging make up. Donald Pleasance, who returned to the role of Dr. Loomis the same year in HALLOWEEN 4, essentially is Loomis here. His intensity and great character traits that he created with Loomis is alive and well in Datti. He may not have the much of a range, but he is a master of the range he possesses. Also of note to Italian cinema fanatics, this movie marks what is basically Edwige Fenech’s final screen performance. She would return in a few television mini-series and HOSTEL 2, but this is where her career basically ends. Her talents are mostly wasted here as well, with little to do but sit on the couch and wait for Robert to come and try to kill her. But in a throwback to many of her pervious roles and the giallo genre, her character does work in fashion.

This hard-to-find title is now available from Bloodwave DVD. As with most rare films, this is a full-screen transfer with the English soundtrack (of which York and Pleasance voices are included) and is VHS quality. Fortunately, to get over the lackluster quality, this is the even harder to find uncut print, with the complete two opening murder sequences in all their blood-spraying and shocking glory.

SLAUGHTER HIGH (1986) Five years after the cool clique of Doddsville High graduates, they return to the high school for what they assume to be their class reunion. What they find though is the school shut down and scheduled for demolition. But these kids won’t let a little trespassing get in the way, and break into the school. But what they find awaiting them is a banquet of booze and snacks. As the dopey jocks, sex maniacs and class clowns party down, they remember uber-nerd Marty, who they mercilessly picked on as seniors. And when the group begins to drop dead one by one, they fear that perhaps Marty is the one who set all this up, and is now hunting them down as his ultimate revenge. But a little murder won’t stop the drinking, the sex, and one dumb decision after another!

Producers Stephen Minasian and Dick Randall reunite after previously producing PIECES and DON’T OPEN ‘TIL CHRISTMAS for one last blood bath. By 1986, the slasher genre was wearing out its welcome, and had become a tired cliche with little more to offer its audiences than some retreads of already seen murder set-ups and some gratuitous nudity of a young starlet hoping to break into the movie business. SLAUGHTER HIGH is certainly one of these movies, and if you did not see it back during its release, or are unfamiliar with its Megadeth inspired VHS cover, you probably don’t even know this exists.

A trio of first time writers and directors, George Dugdale, Mark Ezra, and Peter Mackenzie Litten essentially cobble together every high school cardboard stereotype, switch up a few kill scenes just enough to call them their own (okay, there is no mistaking the ALIEN rip-off), and let a shadowed killer that they don’t even to hide the identity of roam the halls. They give the audience exactly what they’ve come for - a high body count, and ludicrous plotline, and boobs. The acting is atrocious, but there are few good effects shots - the best being the stop-motion melting of skin off a skull.

SLAUGHTER HIGH gets not one, but two connections to FRIDAY THE 13th. The first being way-too-obvious joke regarding a hockey mask. This brings in just a few questions of rational for someone looking way too hard at this low-budget time-killer. If the characters are familiar with Jason, his killing ways, and assumedly the conventions of horror, why do they continually split up, voluntarily get left alone, and sneak off for a quick lay? The second connection is composer Harry Manfredini, who gave the world the classic chi-chi-chi-ha-ha-ha. His music here is basically a retread of every music cue from his most famous score except for the aforementioned breathy number, but at least you know you’ve got at least one competent name attached to the credits.

Horror completists will need to track this down for at least one watch, if for nothing else than to wallow in cinematic cheese at some of its absolute worst. The film offers no scares and little suspense, a few threadbare jokes, and for at the time what must have been to thought of as a clever ending. If you felt burned by APRIL FOOL’S DAY, be prepared for another slap in the face.

Left to rot and essentially be forgotten on the shelves of disappearing video stores, this movie is now available on DVD from Bloodwave. Presented uncut, but unfortunately in full-screen, you’ll finally be able to have a digital back up of that nearly worn through VHS tape copy you’ve been desperately clutching to. And with the original artwork ported over as well, you’ll be ready to pop open a Lite and relive a trip to the video store all over again!

PSYCHO BEACH PARTY (2000) In a small town near Malibu Beach, innocent girl-next-door Florence becomes friends with the local surfers, and quickly catches her eye on surf guru Kanaka. But no sooner does her friendship with the group starts to solidify than they start dying off at the hands of an unknown killer. The group also meets up with a B-movie actress who has taken up residence in a beach house that is supposedly haunted. As residents continue to drop off like flies, each of the survivors becomes a suspect under the iron gaze of the militant police captain Monica Stark. When Kanaka discovers Florence’s secret - that she has a split personality - Kanaka fears that she may be the killer but also finds himself inexplicably attracted to her dark alter ego. And at the annual beach luau, as the local teens gather to dance the night away hoping to stay alive, all will be revealed!

This film, which is actually based on a stage play of the same name and rewritten for the screen by the play’s writer Charles Busch (who also plays the police captain), has been touted as a mix of the 60’s beach blanket movies with the 70’s slasher. However, Busch is clearly more interested in sending up the beach party movies and their go-go style than making anything resembling a horror movie. Following Busch’s script, director Robert Lee King explores the homo-erotic undertones of the surf movie culture, the commie fears of the McCarthy era, and the pure sexual energy of youth without fear of being blacklisted. King saturates his movie with a dripping and over-the-top style of the sixties beach movie with loving tribute to the clothes, the cars, and drive-in culture of the era, and even goes so far as to have the actors “surf” in front of a projection screen. [Read the rest of my review at Gorezone]

I’ve been waiting for a chance to write about this movie for sometime, but the inavailability stateside has always held me back. But with Mondo Macabro’s US DVDebut coming up on October 2nd, it is finally time to talk about…

MYSTICS IN BALI (1981) American student Cathy has come to Indonesia to investigate and learn the black magic of the Leyak, the masters of the oldest and more powerful of the black arts. Her friend, a local named Mahendra, uses his connections to get her a meeting with one of the reclusive masters, who decides to take Cathy as a student. Cathy soon learns, through dance, hypnosis and meditation the spells of the Leyak, including transformation. But when Cathy thinks she has learned it all and attempts to leave the old woman, the Leyak master puts Cathy under a possession spell so that she can use her to collect the blood of newborns. The Leyak master literally “borrows” Cathy’s head as her head detaches from her body - with her lungs, heart and organs still attached! - and flies off into the night to bring the Leyak her blood.

Coming out of Indonesia at the height of their exploitation film exporting craze, which utilized the small country’s wealth of folklore, legends, and magic to bring to the screen unique sleazy movies to satiate the filmgoers around the world with sex, violence, and the bizarre. MYSTICS IN BALI has become one of the champion examples of this period of Indonesian Cinema, of which the entire movement was basically funded by the government for tax breaks and to create a small job community. The result was hundreds of micro-budget releases with an eager excitement that helped the films to overcome their technical limitations.

Director H. Tjut Djalil (who would go on to bring the world LADY TERMINATOR) goes native in this black magic filled horror film that pulls from specific regional folklore to bring to the world images they’ve never seen before. His approach to black magic and native superstitions is so over the top that if one did not know it was made by local, one would decry the stereotyping and almost racist depiction of the practitioners. Djalil fills the movie’s soundtrack with rumbling tribal beats and rhythms to punctuate the atmosphere and to remind foreign audiences they are in a strange and new world.

Although there are obvious budget restrictions on screen, Djalil overcomes these limitations with an energetic assortment of special effects. The highlight is of course is Cathy’s flying head, and the first time Djalil lets her head loose is an out-of-nowhere sucker-punch to the collective horror stomach. Unless you’ve grown up on Indonesia folklore, you’ve never ever seen something or heard of something like this before. Djalil incorporates a variety of cheap effects to bring this legend to life, from blue-screen layering and split-screens for close ups to literally flying a mannequin head with some guts attached around on string for the wide shots. The result is ludicrous but somehow hypnotically appealing. Djalil keeps the hooky effects coming as he shows transformations with a cheap WOLFMAN-style fades as more and more make up is applied with each shot, and a fifteen foot tongue that comes out of the woods in which you can almost imagine the poor sod behind a tree trying to keep control over it.

Part of the charm of any East Asia import is of course the English Dub. MYSTICS IN BALI may hold the record for one of the most stilted and blatant exposition dialogue tracks to ever be recorded. And while classic Hong Kong kung-fu flicks were usually given their audio dub by professionals in a studio, this track seems to be recorded by the first people Djalil could find on the street that spoke English, and told to read the script on the spot. Several main characters ever sound like they were dubbed by the same person! To top it all off, Djalil doesn’t ever try to get the actors lips and the dialogue to match up.

Take a look into a world of cinema mostly overlooked save for the most experimental moviegoer with this wildly amusing and entertaining tale that will be sure to put a smile on your face and serve as an introduction to the world of Indonesian sleaze. There’s plenty more where this one came from!

DELINQUENT GIRL BOSS:
WORTHLESS TO CONFESS (1971)

When Rika is finally released from reform school, she tracks down Midori’s home to visit the girl she shared a room with. She learns that Midori and her father are on the outs, and Midori’s father offers Rika a room and a job. Rika gladly accepts, as she has nowhere else to go in Shinjuku. Rika soon learns that Midori’s boyfriend is using his control over her to pay off his gambling debts using her father’s money. Rika also discovers the rest of her “street sisters” are trying to scrape by with whatever jobs they can find - and in Shinjuku that means working in hostess bars as paid dates for male clients. The local yakuza are also after the garage that Rika now works in, and when they turn to treachery that can no longer be tolerated, Rika and her gang once again reunite for a midnight strike of vengeance!

In the late sixties and early seventies, Japan’s main production studios began pushing the limits of acceptable cinema and filled the screens with tales of the yakuza, period samurai films, and what became known as “pinky violence”, an exploitative blend of softcore sex and sensational violence which often employed girl gangs and women in prison as the main protagonist. These film often featured a dizzy array of lowbrow comedy, gratuitous nudity, over-the-top bloodshed, morals, and redemptions, cutting back and forth in an everything-but-the-kitchen-sink style that would pogo from one extreme to the other. The soundtracks frequently featured hyper-jazzy pop songs with opening and closing soulful ballads that would reflect on the themes of the movie. These were usually sang by the main actor or actress of the movie.

Now, WORTHLESS TO CONFESS, the fourth and final film in the DELINQUENT GIRL BOSS series (don’t worry, they’re by sequels by theme and for marketing, and do not need to be seen in order) is one of the more lighthearted in the pinky violence sub-genre. It is an good stepping stone to reach some of the more mean spirited and extreme films in the genre and get a taste for the themes that are prevalent throughout many of the movies. The film is slightly comic book-esque in its style, and many of the scenes are played for their comedic nature. The main themes deal with trying to find a home and being accepted, and the heartbreaking reality that whenever something good happens or happiness is found, something much worse is going to happen. The screen is filled with the archetypes that are often found in these films - from the main girl gangs that find unity in their orphan status to dimwits for comedy relief, reformed yakuza who are the most dangerous of all to sly and cowardly bosses who trick others to do the dirty work

What WORTHLESS TO CONFESS lacks that many others pinky violence films have an abundance of is action scenes. Instead, the first seventy-five minutes are filled with a multitude of subplots and exposition scenes that hurtle the film to its violent crescendo of a finale. The finale here is worth the admission alone, and while the lead up is worth paying attention to, it is the ending that will stay in your mind. Here, Rika and her four gang members dress in matching orange red dusters and walk side by side through the neon filled alleyways to the yakuza club, with a Japanese-influence western instrumental playing beneath. It is a incredible build-up that leads you to believe that the yakuza don’t stand a chance. Once the battle begins, in which everyone fights with swords on the main dance floor of the club amidst a florescent colored decour, anything goes. Director Kazuhiko Yamaguchi unleashes himself from the film’s earlier restraint as he lets the blood spray, the camera go frantic, and a quick yet highly-imaginative shot of the boss’s demise which is worthy of Seijun Suzuki.

For a taste of cinema that has not quite found the grasp it should have on fans of seventies crime action and exploitation, WORTHLESS TO CONFESS is an appetizer before the main course. While it does have a few “uncomfortable” moments that are par for course in the genre, the film never stoops to depraved gratuitousness found in many of the others. Recently a host of pinky violence flicks have found their way to domestic DVD releases making this previously hard to access genre much easier to find. Why not take a chance

The following additional titles should be within easy rental or purchasing grasp, and are the “main course” with the full-blown exploitation for those that enjoy the likes of I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE, LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT and THRILLER: A CRUEL PICTURE, or the period revenge film LADY SNOWBLOOD:

Girl Boss Guerilla
Terrifying Girls’ High School: Lynch Law Classroom
Criminal Woman: Killing Melody
Sex and Fury (Christina Lindberg, of THRILLER, has vicious co-starring role)
Female Yakuza Tale (sequel to Sex and Fury)
Female Convict Scorpion: Jailhouse 41

FASTER, PUSSYCAT! KILL! KILL! (1965)

A trio of ultra-busty vixens have taken a trip into the desert, each behind the wheel of a screaming-fast hot rod for a little adventure and excitement. There, they come across an amateur driver doing time trials. Lead pussycat Varla challenges him to a race. When the racer accuses Varla of cheating, she simply beats him to death. The three women then drug the racer’s girlfriend, and head off to an isolated farm to lie low, and hopefully discover the whereabouts a hidden cache of money belonging to the old man who lives there. Though old, this wretched cod shows that he is the embodiment of misogyny. But his two sons, one a hulking and silent muscle-bound brute and the other a sly-talking weakling, will become the targets of the sexually-charged and strong-willed women. These men have never met the likes of Varla, Haji and Billie, and it is quite unlikely they’ll ever meet anyone like them again!

Director Russ Meyer, whose obsession with huge-breasted women helped to carve a niche for himself in cinema that will last an eternity, is a reigning king of trash movies and this has become his cherry example of all that is excellent in a Meyer picture. Beyond his cartoonish approach to violence and his obvious respect for the power that women’s will and sexuality have over men is his brilliant use of photography. Meyer was a WWII combat cameraman and professional photographer before turning to movies, and his sheer mastery of black and white images is phenomenal. Even forty years later, FASTER PUSSYCAT! KILL! KILL! still contains some of the best uses of the film stock since its release, and a well preserved print or restored home release will prove to be a testament to his focus, clarity, and ability to suggest fluid motion with very little actual movement. It is not with a hint of glee that camerawork worthy of study and praise is found in a film that champions bad taste and carnal excitement.And who is to be thanks for this carnal excitement? It is the three antagonist heroes Varla, Haji, and Billie. Meyer brought in Tura Satana (whose poster image has become synonymous with the movie itself) to lead his gang as Varla. She is by far the most vicious of the three, whose violent instincts are the only thing more tough than her sexual innuendos. Single-named Haji stars as Rosie, a curious blend of Italian and Mexican eroticism, and supplies a hidden lesbian undertone for the film with her loyalty to Varla. Haji would go on to become a regular in Meye’s future pictures. Lori Williams comes in as Billie, a happy-go-lucky buxom blonde that comes as close to a real life “Barbie” as the screen has ever seen. Together these three women become a trifecta of danger that no man can hope to withstand.

Meyer’s sets up against them a polar opposite trifecta of male incompetence in the family that the three women hole up with. There is The Old Man, a wheelchair bound (read as the “power” of the penis has been taken away) woman-hater who must use snarling words and violence to try and recoup is power. The Vegetable, a blonde-haired muscular brute with absolutely no brains to speak of, who only has his good looks and impossible strength to defend himself from the wills of his newly arrived female oppressors. And finally there is Kirk, who believes he can reason with the women, unaware they are playing him like a harp. Each of these three men become a living part of the male id, and each are created as being much less than women. And that is the draw to Meyer. Despite the on-the-surface sensationalizing of the female form, Meyer is a feminist, and even more so believes that they are the superior of the sexes. Meyer has been quoted as saying “the girls kick the hell out of the guys.”

Much to the surprise of those who see FASTER PUSSYCAT! KILL! KILL! for the first time, the film contains no nudity. The closest Meyer gets is a shot of Williams’ back when she is showering. Though this was done to avoid being hit by the censors at the time, it also alludes to the fact that sometimes less is more. This also applies to the actual on screen violence that is shown, and goes back to Meyer’s ability as a cameraman and director. He is able to suggest much more than is actually seen, and allows the human mind to fill in the blanks.Upon its initial release, the film did only moderate business and faded out just as quickly. Meyer became widely known with the release of VIXEN in 1968, teamed up with Roger Ebert in seventies on three screenplays (Ebert’s only official screenwriting credits) that Meyer would also direct. FASTER PUSSYCAT! KILL! KILL! (The title being a reference to speed, sex, and violence) would go on to become a cult film in revival theatres and art houses, and gained further reach when John Waters wrote that it was “…the best movie ever made. It is possibly better than any film that will be made in the future”. Whether that is true or not remains to be seen, but so far he is pretty damn close.

VANISHING POINT (1971) Kowalski. He’s a man on the edge of society, who’s love affair with speed has landed him a job transporting cars from one city to another. His latest job is to deliver a white super-charged Dodge Challenger from Denver to San Francisco. Although he has two days to deliver, he makes a double or nothing bet with his friend that he can do it in fifteen hours.

With a handful up uppers, Kowalski takes to the highways, and quickly becomes the target of the police. As he zips from Colorado to Nevada and into California, he ditches one state police armada for the next. With him in spirit, is the blind DJ Super Soul, who has picked up the story and taken to Kowalski’s cause. Super Soul sees him as the “last free American spirit”, and divulges information to Kowalski about the police on the air waves. Along his journey, Kowalski meets others like him on the fringes of America, trying to live out their lives and days as they see fit, and rallying to what very well may be Kowalski’s last run against the wind.

Much like EASY RIDER, VANISHING POINT remains in the minds of those that were around to see it upon its initial release as a document of a bygone time, of a world filled with order and chaos, where sometimes just trying to disappear is the only logical choice of action and the only side to choose was your own. Within Kowalski, played with a quiet intensity by Barry Newman, the viewer sees that the only side to choose that does not bring disappointment or heartbreak is your own, and that solitary is the only place where you can truly be free. During Kowalski’s drive, flashbacks flesh out his character, that shows him both on the side of law enforcement and the fading hippie counter-culture, and the disappointment he finds in both.

However, in the today’s age, VANISHING POINT remains as the best damn car chase film out there. Sure, there are films which have one or two intense chase scenes, BULLITT and THE FRENCH CONNECTION come to mind, and even the under-appreciated Charlie Sheen headliner THE CHASE and this year’s DEATH PROOF (which is more than just an homage to this film) that attempt to rival the throne, but for sheer fuel-injected excitement from beginning to end, VANISHING POINT arguably remains at the top. As to why no other film in over thirty-five years has taken the crown, it comes down to the brilliance of director Richard C. Sarafian who goes to great lengths to show the speed of the vehicles, and the risk the drivers are taking. And in what could very well be seen as a “fuck you” to all previous chase/racing movies, Sarafian’s opening chase sequence to set the pace of his movie would have easily been seen as the “final chase” of any other movie.

Beyond the multiple car chase sequences that make up this film, is the characters that inhabit the movie and what they each symbolize. If Kowalski’s almost dialogue-less character, who lives by a “action speaks louder than words” philosophy, than Super Soul is the yin to his yang, whose non-stop and energetic vocal broadcasting is what defines him. Super Soul is a blind DJ, who immediately recognizes the importance of what Kowalski is, even if Kowalski himself does not. Super Soul acts as both a spiritual guide for Kowalski’s lost soul and a narrator for the viewer, as he gives us clues to what makes Kowalski who he is, and also provides the soundtrack to the movie. The other important character that drifts into Kowalski’s world is motorcyclist Angel, who comes it at the end of the movie, who would have easily been accepted into the arms of Peter Fonda and Dennis Hopper. His assistance in helping Kowalski can be seen as a passing of the torch from one hero of anti-establishment to the next. Angel has made his peace with the road, and now it is Kowalski’s time to make his.

Part of the charm and staying power of VANISHING POINT is its ability to transcend its own time. Although it remains as an important piece of early 70’s cinema and a document of the time, it’s general points about freedom of the individual are timeless, and each generation that follows can find undertones within the film they can interpret for their own rebellion. But VANISHING POINT can also just be one hell of an adrenaline rush, and said undertones are subtle enough that they do not weight down the ride. You can read as much as you want into Kowalski’s Challenger outrunning a police helicopter on an open stretch of desert highway, or you can just sit back in amazement at the real-time speed to took the stunt driver to pull off that feat. And that is the simplistic brilliance found within Malcolm Hart’s story and Guillermo Cain’s screenplay, and what keeps VANISHING POINT in the pole position of chase cinema.

Cru Jones is a small town high school student, obsessed with BMX riding, and spends every waking moment riding, perfecting tricks, and getting into mischief. When a corporate sponsorship decides that Helltrack - the ultimate BMX track - would be perfect for Cru’s small town atmosphere, Cru sees his chance to make something of himeslf. The sponsors decide to have a open invite for all the local racers, and the winner will get to ride with the professionals. Cru easily wins the open, but when the vile head of Helltrack realizes that Cru may actually win the race, instead of the star of Team Mongoose who previously was a shoe-in to win, Cru learns what happens when you become a wrench in the cog of a money making machine.

I’ve stared at a blank word document more times than I remember trying to figure out how to review this obscure gem. I’ve always wanted to write about it, but I’ve realized that I can not neatly fit it into what most of my long time readers will no doubt know as my “format” - a spoiler free synopsis followed by input on director, cast, writer, followed by a little bit on the genre said film is in, and then a quaint wrap up. Does anyone really care that Hal Needham directed this? That a pre-Full House Lori Loughlin is the romantic lead? How much blatent product placement is spread through the entire movie? And sadly, since this film is almost impossible to find as the VHS and laserdisc are long out of print and the red tape trying to figure out who the hell owns the now bankrupt Embassy will ensure this never sees DVD, anyone who even wants to see it won’t be able to. So instead, you get a passionate and nigh obsessive story about me and my relationship with this movie.

Now, when I was a kid I had a babysitter who lived across the street and had RAD on video. Every time she came over, my brother and I required that she bring this movie and Super Mario Bros 2 for the Nintendo, which she had to beat. I absolutely loved this movie, and as kid it probably ranked higher than STAR WARS, GOONIES or TOP GUN as most frequently watched movie. And that is saying a lot. I loved watching all the riders performing their tricks, especially the opening and closing title sequences featuring silhouetted bikers on a dusk lit road. The characters were clearly defined as good and bad, and it was a blast just waiting for the first shot of the Helltrack race, as twenty bikes drop down and impossibly steep ramp. And I just knew, I just knew, that Cru would win the race in the end. And he always did!

I had a BMX at the time, a low-grade model that specifically had a sticker on it saying it was not meant for ramp use. After seeing RAD for the first time, the following day I took a screwdriver and completely removed the front brakes on the bike, so I could freely spin the handle bars like I saw in the movie. But instead of pulling off the move, all I got was a face full of gravel. Ramps proved just a fruitless, and back then with helmets being mildly “recommended” rather than the requirements they are today, you can guess a few headaches were roundly received. I never did get any BMX skills under my belt. Hell, I never even figured out how to bunny hop. But every time I got on that bike, I was Cru Jones. Real Life’s “Send Me An Angel” hummed through my head. I was convinced I would meet a girl also riding her bike. Every ditch and bump, every small downward slope was part of Helltrack.

Cut to 2000. DVD is still in its early growth, and I have had a mission for the past five years - to get a copy of RAD and EWOKS: THE BATTLE FOR ENDOR for my very own. Frustrated that they hadn’t been released yet on DVD (why wouldn’t they?! I kept asking) I was about to give up hope. Then, as if handed the Holy Grail itself, my friend informed me that a video store was going out of business and he had seen RAD there. The fact that I was at work didn’t stop me. And with a “I’ll be back in an hour or two” I was off like a shot in my teal green 1993 Chevy Beretta (with matching teal hubcaps no less) to the promised land. Twenty-five minutes and six dollars later, I had not one, but both VHS I had been searching for in my hands! Three dollars a piece and they were all mine! That night I sat down with my roommate and we watched RAD. I was nine years old again, and I loved every minute. My quest was complete.

I sold the RAD tape on Half.com for fifty-five bucks later that year, as I school finances to pay. It was a very tough, but sadly necessary decision (BATTLE FOR ENDER, by the way, went for twenty-three). Soon after, I picked up a less-than-reputable laserdisc-to-DVD transfer, which sits on my shelf to this day smiling as happy as a kid whose just taken the training wheels off a bicycle for the first time. There will never be a quality DVD with a widescreen transfer. There will never be a commentary by Hal Needham with the cast and crew. There will never be a lame, photoshopped cover featuring Lori Loughlin’s head instead of the awesome original poster. There will never be a “where are they now?” documentary, or a featurette on the BMX fad. And in a way, that is how it should be.

CANNIBAL FLESH RIOT (2006) Stash and Hub are two ghouls, who roam graveyards at night looking for the freshly buried corpses to dig back up and chow down on. These two, who bicker and argue like a married couple and are more friends due to circumstance, have chosen tonight to feast on the recently deceased Mr. Hickle. As they make their way through the patchwork of tombstones looking for the plot, they make idle chat. But when Stash and Hub finally come to their destination, they soon discover that some cemeteries aren’t too keen on letting their permanent residents be taken away as a late night snack!

While the current trend in horror has been to cull through 70’s shock cinema, writer and director Gris Grimly goes back to the spooky and gothic low-budget flicks of the 50’s and even the 30’s to bring his twisted and comical tale to life. The movie, while shot on video, is put through the “grindhouse” wringer to give it a wonderful and inviting feel. Through post-production work, the black and white film is laced with scratches and dirt specks and frames are purposefully removed to give the film a jittery motion. Grimly incorporates the classic yet underused iris shutter to fade out and into one scene to the next, cue cards to move along the narrative, and even Tex Avery style sound effects to give a cartoonish tone to the rather morbid material.

Grimly further takes this stylized approach with both his set decoration and camera work. The graveyard is littered with oddly shaped tombstones with even stranger fonts marking the grave’s occupant. The graveyard is also inhabited by comical bats brought to life by string and more rolling fog than even John Carpenter would have the nerve to use. Grimly’s camera is often off-set at an acute angle, and uses fish eye lenses to give a twisted and warped view into the fiend-filled world.

The protagonists here, Stash and Hub, take their comical appearances from Laurel and Hardy, after of course being given a greasy southern gas station attendant overhaul. The pair even look like they could’ve just walked off a Cramps record album. Grimly’s rotted humor shines magnificently through the pairs’ dialog, as much of the film is just them wandering through the PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE inspired graveyard talking with one another. And just what do two ghouls who’ve been creeping around for decade discuss? Well, Stash speaks of the culinary variety that can be had with a finely carved corpse, especially with the almost limitless amounts of spices and condiments available in the world. Hub meanwhile, seems fixated on commercials that present anthropomorphic food like the California Raisins to make the product more appealing.

Rounding out the fiendish short film is a musical score by Peter Sandorff of Nekromantix and Denmark’s Hola Ghost, which further cements this movie as being a psychobilly’s ultimate wet dream. Gris Grimly has set up massively cool project here, which will be sure to please fans of horrific 1930’s creepers and grim 1950’s horror. CANNIBAL FLESH RIOT is currently making the festival rounds, with a full package DVD release planned for July.

www.cannibalfleshriot.com

NIGHT OF THE HELL HAMSTERS (2006) On a dark and stormy night, Karl arrives at the house where his girlfriend Julie is babysitting. When Julie discovers that Karl has forgotten the Ouija board he promised to bring, she simply makes a makeshift board out of an alphabet puzzle, a shot glass, and a drop of Karl’s blood. Karl calls upon a spirit with what he believes to be a made-up nonsense name. Unfortunately for Karl, his choice brings about a demonic force that possesses the family hamsters, and turns them into blood-thirsty critters with glowing eyes and a mischievous laugh. Karl is quickly taken out of commission, and Julie must take up the mantle of “final girl” if she is to survive the razor-sharp incisors of the hellish housepets!

In this ridiculously fantastic splatstick short film, first time director Paul Campion (whose visual effects resume includes work on LORD OF THE RINGS and SIN CITY) pulls out all the stops to weave elements of THE EVIL DEAD 2, THE BIRDS, GREMLINS, and especially the brief “killer rabbit” scene in MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL, all while taking production cues out of the official Ed Wood Jr. playbook. He even gets a little character development out of his actors before drenching them in red food colored karo syrup.

Now, Paul O’Neill and Stephanie Ratcliff to a fine job in their roles here, but it is the hamsters who obviously are the objects of affection in this little production. Post-possession, the real hamsters are replaced with obvious furry fakes, who are animated by easily visible fishing line and the puppeteering abilities of O’Neill and Ratcliff as they wrestle with the critters. These little furballs are not without a sense of humor either, as they laugh at Julie as she stumbles around trying to find them, or are compelled to roll around in a hamster ball before going in for the kill.

Minute for minute, HELL HAMSTERS holds up on the gore-o-meter with the likes of Sam Rami’s DEAD trilogy and Peter Jackson’s early film entries, as fingers are bitten off, hamsters are squashed and decapitated, and poor Julie gets a hemoglobin facial that would make Ron Jeremy or Peter North envious.

Campion has a winner on his hands here which has been making the festival rounds for eager fans waiting to get a glimpse at the madness he has built up. This will hopefully lead to more good ol’ fashioned splatterrific fun or even a feature length redux of this short film. Hopefully this will find its way onto a short film compilation. This needs to be seen and lauded, as there are not very many things out there that only last fifteen minutes which are more enjoyable than…. NIGHT OF THE HELL HAMSTERS!

http://www.nightofthehellhamsters.com/