Sayonara Cinema

SIX-STRING SAMURAI ( 1998 ) It has been forty years since the Russians dropped the bomb on America and Lost Vegas, lorded over by Elvis himself, became the last beacon of freedom in a desolate wasteland. Now, the King is dead, and the call has gone out over the airwaves that Lost Vegas needs a new leader. Guitarists across the land are making their journey, including Buddy - a sword-wielding, hollow-body electric guitar player, with a penchant for black suits, skinny ties and two-tone shoes. This “lone wolf” picks up a “cub” on his journey, when he saves a young boy from being attacked by mutants. This kid, who Buddy tries to get rid of at every possible turn, becomes both a helping sidekick and infuriating nuisance.

As Buddy and the kid continue their journey across hundreds of miles of desert and abandoned roadways, they come across rival would-be kings, bowling-themed assassins, an all-American family of cannibals, a communist surf band, and even the Red Army! Buddy’s mastery of his sword, and quick kung-fu keeps him safe from harm, unaware that Death himself, is also making his way toward Lost Vegas, killing any guitarist that he finds and keeping their picks as trophies around his neck. Buddy may be quick on his feet and quicker on a fret board, but is he fast enough to outrun death?

In this comical and highly-stylish post-apocalyptic adventure, co-writers Jeffrey Falcon and Lance Mungia, who respectively star and direct, blend a hyperkinetic cocktail of samurai motifs, road movies, ROAD WARRIOR inspired landscapes, colorful comic book-esque characters, and a surf soundtrack (courtesy of The Red Elvises) that hasn’t been this good since THE ENDLESS SUMMER. Mungia, in his directorial debut, takes his cues from the dubbed kung-fu VHS releases of his youth. His action scenes are quick cut to the tempo of the music and the film speed is played with to enunciate Buddy’s finishing moves or when he needs to pose. Jeffrey Falcon, who performs his own stunts, obviously has some martial arts training, and Mungia keeps his camera back enough to show that Falcon knows what he is doing. And even though the film’s original language is in English, most of dialogue appears to be dubbed in post-production. This should be the western/samurai/action/exploitation homage that everyone name drops, rather than KILL BILL VOL. 1, so where did it go wrong?

The film’s fatal flaw is the choice of half-pint Justin McQuire, who makes his first only film appearance playing The Kid. A even better question is the choice of why The Kid exists at all. If Mungia and Falcon were aiming to give a nod to the LONE WOLF AND CUB series, they sorely missed their mark. The Kid, who basically communicates in high-pitched shrieks is enough to drop the enjoyment of any scene he is in to zero. Even in the coolest of sword fights, a quick cut to this brat wailing is enough to make one just want to stop the movie. It really is that annoying. During Buddy’s many failed attempts to ditch The Kid, we feel his frustrating pain when he has to save him or when the tyke wanders back to the roadside bar Buddy has holed up in for the night. While the storyline would turn out much different without this ragged tot in tow, the alternate result would have been a flashier, hipper, and cooler version of what we get.

There is plenty to be excited about here, and The Kid fortunately doesn’t do enough damage to completely make the film a no-go. There is Death for instance, who looks like Slash right off the cover of Appetite For Destruction, who is more of a nuisance to Buddy than an actual adversary. His mission is to take over Lost Vegas with heavy metal, and thus becomes a contrasting force against Buddy’s rockabilly stylings. Their final battle, which is equal parts “Devil Went Down To Georgia” and SANJURO, is a duel that the film takes eighty minutes to build up and final product does not disappoint. Buddy also takes on an entire division of the Red Army, who still carry guns despite not having any bullets for them. The bloodless slaughter is certainly a highpoint of the film. And of course there is the radio DJ Werewolf, who is a blissful tribute to Wolfman Jack, and acts as narrator and sage-like voice-over who pipes in in-between scenes, a requirement for any action-fantasy worth its weight in steel.

Released at the tail-end of the indie film explosion of the nineties, SIX-STRING SAMURAI got its fifteen minutes, but never got the cult status is does deserve. You won’t find people dressed as Buddy at comic conventions, you’re not going to find a ten-year anniversary re-release or a re-make of it this any time soon, and oddly, you won’t find much of the cast or crew connected to any other films after this. The true potential for the film may never have been realized, but still it is a wacky example of the fringe cinema that was popping up in the care-free last decade of the twentieth century. And for better or worse, you’ll never see another film quite like this ever made again.

THE UGLY (1997) In a mental institution in New Zealand, where the sadistic orderlies look like they’ve just returned from a Korn concert and the voyeuristic warden looks like he would be right at home preaching at a black mass, resides deranged serial killer Simon Cartwright. Simon, who is about to go on trial for his crimes, personally requests psychologist Karen Shumaker for an independent evaluation of his sanity. When Karen arrives, she immediately gets the impression that she is not welcome, and her forward attitude is definitely not common place among the facility. Over the next two days, Karen interviews Simon, using her kind and sincere nature to get through to Simon and let him open up.

But Simon, who as a boy was tormented by his classmates and beaten by his abusive mother, is not one to open up so easily. Simon, who now sees himself in mirrors and a horribly disfigured man, goes into detail about the murders he has performed over the years before being caught. His reasons for killing change with each inquisitive question, but seem to center around the vocal commands of The Ugly, that Simon can not disobey. Karen may never be able to uncover the “why?” she is so desperately seeking, but if she is not careful she may just get to experience it herself.

Released in the US in early 1998, and buried alive with little attention given amidst the fashionable horror streaming from the pen of Kevin Williamson at the time, this debut from New Zealand writer/director Scott Reynolds melds together the “serial killer interview” dramatic style with the chaotic slasher style of the early nineties. What comes of it is a schizophrenic tale that can’t decide if it wants to play it safe as a psychological thriller or fully commit to being a horror film. This unsure choice in genre somewhat resonates within the conflicted Simon, who never truly commits to deciding if his actions are forced due to circumstance or the choice of free will. Meek and innocent looking Paolo Rotondo, who bears a striking resemblance to Bush frontman Gavin Rossdale, was chosen to bring to life the conflicted Simon. His shy and introverted performance is so convincing and encompassing, that it is shocking to watch him lash out against his victims, and was a gambling choice that paid off.

Scott Reynolds sets up two stylistic devices in his film to try and make his movie just that more interesting to watch. The first is his choice to make blood in this film the color of jet black ink. Whether this is how Simon himself sees blood to help him cope with his killing, if it was a choice to get pasted censors, or just a cheeky nod to PSYCHO is never explained, but it is certainly an artistic choice that is open interpretation. Reynolds’ other key choice was in how he explores the frequent flashbacks as told by Simon. Past and current time overlap one another here, as present day Simon and Karen frequently wind up “sitting” together within his flashback as he tells the story. It shows that Simon’s life is so jumble and confusing that he is never able to commit to what time period to devote himself to, and a simple visual aid that draws you deeper into the story.

For the creation of “The Ugly”, a hive-like collection of Simon’s victims that he claims to follow him around and demand that he kills again and again, Reynolds taps the shoulder of pre-LORD OF THE RINGS Weta, a New Zealand based effects house. These gloomy corpses, that spew that same black blood that Simon sees when he kills, are dressed in white following rags and have eyes that penetrate from the screen. They resemble the “long haired ghosts” that America would become inundated with five years later, and one might wonder if the Kiwis were a bit too far ahead for their time.

Not all is delicious and evil in Reynolds’ tale though. He does resort to several invigoratingly aggravating scare pieces that unfold for several minutes before reverting back to real time to show the attack you just saw was only in Simon’s head. While it does show that different thoughts are battling for dominance in his mind, it is not done well enough so as to not damage the narrative flow and credibility of the scares in the film. And in an all out steal from THE USUAL SUSPECTS in one scene, we are brought for a brief moment to question everything that Simon has been telling Karen, but it is never touched upon again to prove the theory it places in the back of the viewer’s mind.

Had THE UGLY been embraced during its too-quick theatrical run and after being dumped on the then fledgling DVD format, it would have been a slap in the face of the glossy horror that was coming out at the time and certainly would have seen a needed sequel. Many films produced after would step up to the plate to make that important slap to glossy horror, and with better films to boot. Because of this, THE UGLY falls into the ravine of the would’ve-could’ve-should’ve horror releases. The film has lost its importance and place in history, and while it is a solid watch with some memorable scenes and a good mind-twist, it remains solely as proof that Peter Jackson is not the only filmmaker in New Zealand.

HOLY VIRGIN Vs THE EVIL DEAD (1991) On the night that Shiang (Donnie Yen) and a small group of his female students are having a late night picnic, the moon turns red and from out of nowhere comes a man who quickly knocks Shiang out and attacks all of the girls. When Shiang awakes, he finds his students dead, and quickly becomes the main suspect in their murders. Local police inspector Chen takes up the case, and begins to follow Shiang around. When a second murder takes places, it happens in a small temple. Shiang and his private investigator friend do some research, and discover that temple is for worshipping a god in an ancient religion that in Cambodia.

Shiang and his group of friends head into Cambodia, in the search for the tribe that still worships this religion. They have also discovered that the man who attacked Shiang is actually the inhuman Moon Monster. Once in Cambodia, they cross paths with the Princess White, who has been charged by her tribe to kill the Moon Monster. They are on a tight deadline though, for when the New Year begins, the Moon Monster will regain all of its powers and become unstoppable. Will Shiang, Princess White, and their friends be enough to put an end to an army of machine-gun totting fanatics and the vicious flying Moon Monster?

In this everything-but-the-kitchen-sink Category III extraveganza, logic and taste are thrown out the window to make room for a hodge-podge of erotic-tinged fantasy, supernatural horror, insane action, wire-fu martial arts, and pure exploitation. This is classic Hong Kong entertainment, the kind where the plot seems to have been made up as the movie was being made, where action set pieces are placed at even ten-minute intrevals, where crude sexuality is debased to even cruder comedy, and where the film title offers more to the imagination than the actual film. This is definitely not the kind of Hong Kong import that has any fear of being remade. Ever.

Donnie Yen, who is the star of this because of his name recognition, and not due to his screen time, plays a meek teacher until it is he is threaten. He gleefully pushes the stereotype that all Chinese know kung-fu, for his character is given no background as to why he knows how to do flying spin kicks and scorpion kicks. He just naturally does. The rest of the actors, if they can even be called that in a production such as this, also are well versed in advanced martial arts, and are proficient in operating machine guns as soon as they pick them up. Pauline Yeung, who was Miss Hong Kong 1987, as Princess White, is the films main source of charming eye candy (but who is the only female actress not to go nude) and holds her own as a female warrior. She glides through the air with ease and has at her command a host of magical spells.

Part of the charm of HOLY VIRGIN VS THE EVIL DEAD, apart from the fact that there are no holy virgins and no evil dead mentioned in the entire film, is the ludicious low-budget nature. The special effects, including lightning bolts, energy beams, and glowing eyes, are literally painted on the frames in post-production. Quick and choppy editing allow the characters to fly or leap great distances. Sound and Image rarely sync up, as the soundtrack was created after principal photography. The English subtitles, which disappear half the time when there is too much white on the screen, include such zingers are “bastard, run you!” and “hold it or I’ll shoot her to dead!”

Though stamped with the nefarious Category III, it avoids the truly nasty territory that many of its brethren would wallow in. Instead, director Wong Chun-Yeung is merely dancing with joy at the freedom of the rating that was new at the time, and seeing just how far he can go with it. He succeeds in creating a high watermark example of the what-the-heck-did-I-just-watch cinema which was pouring out of Hong Kong at the time. It is films like this, which have sadly been weeded out of Hong Kong as their moviemakers became more internationally conscious, that made Hong Kong the go to source for exciting, unique and over the top movies in the first place and gave Hong Kong its international appeal.

HUNDRA (1983) When a clan of female nomadic warriors, made up of women who were once slaves and escaped to find personal freedom, are attacked and killed by a roving tribe of barbarians, only one remains alive. Her name is Hundra (Laurene Landon), the finest warrior of her people. Hundra seeks out her elder, who in turn prophesizes that Hundra must go into the belly of the beast - the home of the barbarians that slaughtered her tribe - and find a man to plant a seed within her so that her bloodline will go on.

After Hundra arrives in the walled city, she finds its citizens living in fear and oppression of the local temple. It is there the young women of the city are taken to be made over as slaves for the pleasure of the chieftains. Hundra, under the pretence of being captured, infiltrates the temple. There she meets another young woman who does as she is told in order to survive. While Hundra allows her to make her over as one of the slaves, she also teaches her how to fight, so that she may break free of the shackles of domination. While in the city, Hundra also meets the local healer, and it is he that Hundra deems worthy to plant his seed. Once with child, Hundra faces the first difficult choice of her life, whether to stay in the company of her child’s father, or set off back to the hideout of her people’s elder.

In the wake of CONAN THE BARBARIAN and the resurgence in interest in the sword and sorcery sub-genre, production companies were scrambling to put their own epic adventure on the screen. Director and writer Matt Cimber was approached to literally make a “female Conan” movie. After setting out the basic story line, co-writer John Goff reworked some of the plot points and HUNDRA went into production in Spain. Actress Laurene Landon, who had previously worked with Larry Cohen and a small role in AIRPLANE II, was entrusted to take up the lead role. Landon, who performs almost all of her own stunts here, looks the part of the warrior woman, and though her swordplay lacks some finesse, she is quite believable in the role and is able to carry the slightly corny dialogue with dignified decorum. Ennio Morricone is also brought in to emulate Basil Poledouris’ CONAN score, and creates several triumphant and invigorating theme tunes.

Over the years, there has been quite the discussion over the subtexts within HUNDRA. Is there an underlying feminist message decrying the vicious domination that men have had over women throughout the centuries? A critical eye would certainly take it that way. Hundra, who would rather be riding with a horse between her legs rather than a man, is quick to dismiss men as needless, and has had no previous interaction with them not dealing with a sword. Matt Cimber, whose previous film THE WITCH WHO CAME FROM THE SEA dealt with a woman who subdued sexual predators and then castrated them, continues theme here. Almost all of the men in HUNDRA are portrayed as sexual predators, beasts, and oafish soldiers (who of course are always armed with a long spear). Hundra’s way of dealing them usually involves some form of crotch attack before killing them. Hundra also makes some powerful speeches to any woman who will listen throughout the picture.

However, Cimber does stray a bit too far into epic-style exploitation that diminishes the feminist tones found within and would have the casual viewer take this as nothing more than rousing adventure entertainment. There is more than enough swordplay, spear-impaling, blood-spraying, disembowelment and decapitation to please any action enthusiast. The first twenty-minutes of the film alone comprises of two spectacular fight sequences. Cimber also interjects eroticism as his camera lingers lustfully on the female slaves, clothes many of the extras in see-through garments, and shows off a titillating scene of the slaves bathing nude which is there just to ogle the women. There are several scenes of implied rape and forced sex. Though non-explicit, and necessary to set-up the danger Hundra faces, these scenes do set a rather uncomfortable tone that is hard to shake.

Due to a distribution fiasco with Universal that was of Cimber’s own creation, HUNDRA was hardly seen in the theatre and fell into the void of VHS and never found its domestic audience. A recent DVD release finally allows this film to be seen by the masses, but with the likes of XENA, who has truly given the sword-carrying feminists of the world a champion, whatever rallying call HUNDRA may have been shouting initially has been drowned out. What remains is the best CONAN rip-off flick you’ll ever find, and should easily find a place in the libraries of those that already own RED SONJA (present company included).

HUNDRA is currently available from Amazon.com

EVIL (2003) Erik has been kicked out high school for pummeling a fellow student, and has one last chance to graduate when his mother sends him to a boarding school in Sweden. Should Erik become expelled, both his education and future will become failures. After moving in to the lower class dormitory, he quickly befriends his roommate, Pierre, a shy intellect who warns Erik to stay as low profile as possible. Erik soon discovers that within the school, the students rule and discipline themselves, with the student council operating as judge, jury and executioner. Erik, who just wants to be left alone, attempts to avoid the hazing and humiliating commands of the upper class, but it only insights them further, and they instead focus their attention on Pierre, hoping to get at Erik that way. Meanwhile, Erik has become smitten with one of the young kitchen staff, Marja, despite the fact that students are forbidden to talk to the staff.

Erik’s ability to take pain and punishment, a side-effect of the years of torment he has taken at the hands of his step-father, only infuriate the escalating mob mentality of the student council. When their tactics finally cross a point of no return, and realizing that the faculty will not intervene, Erik abandons the peaceful protests that Pierre has helped instill in him. Sometimes violence must be met on with violence, and Erik’s fists have had much more experience at fighting than the wealthy snobs he must face off against could hope to imagine.

At the very onset of the film, director Mikael Hafstrom, who also adapted the screenplay from the novel by Jan Guillou plays a fantastic mind trick on the viewer. Erik is dubbed “evil” by his headmaster as he is being expelled, and thus we assume this is where the film’s title comes from. However, Erik’s plight and determination not to be bullied nor commanded as the film quickly moves on proves him not to be a rebellious youth within the school, but one of the most civilized students within the system.

The question of whether evil is instilled at birth or if it is nurtured has long been a debate, and Hafstrom immediately expresses his opinion in that it is certainly the latter through his subjects. Pierre, who acts as a philosophical guide through the wasteland that is the boarding school, mentions his theory that freshmen who are tormented become seniors who torment as an act of revenge, and thus creates an unending cycle of violence. Hafstrom sets up scene after scene that would hold this theory to be true, and also sets up an indifference, if not approval, of this torment in the name of school team spirit by the faculty.

Andreas Wilson, who beat out 120 other young men auditioning for the part, makes his acting debut here as Erik, and what a breathtaking performance it is. Perhaps it is his natural screen presence, or his handsome European features, but Wilson embraced by the camera and would appear to be an actor who has grown up acting. Wilson’s portrayal is vivid and complex. The character of Erik is very intelligent, despite his quick-fisted tendencies. Watching Wilson’s eyes and expressions, you can see a clash of half a dozen emotions and thoughts racing through his head as his character decides what to do next. The film very much depends on your ability to comprehend and sympathize with Erik, and Wilson’s performance easily achieves such feelings. His performance would garner him a Best Actor win at the Shanghai International Film Festival and a nomination at the Guldbagge Awards (the Swedish equivalent of the Oscars).

While Erik’s peers at his school are the main focus of the film and the brunt of his challenge to stay peaceful, his true nemesis comes in the form of his step-father, which is played with cruel and subtle perfection by Johan Rabaeus. With the stepfather comes an experience is mindgames and sadistic torture that the youthful boys naturally lack. His devotion to destroying Erik, which is given no reason save for the simple pleasure gets from it, is given as the underlying origin of Erik’s quick tendencies toward violence. Erik has no option to retaliate against his stepfather, and instead unleashes on his fellow students prior to his induction into the boarding school. As their subplot unfolds, toward a quite satisfying conclusion, Pierre’s “circle of violence” theory gains further merit.

Though Hafstrom and the source material clearly have an opinion on the subject matter at hand, they allow the viewer to come to their side naturally, instead of force-feeding their opinion in each scene. The story unfolds subjectively through Erik, and save for a few brief scenes, Andreas Wilson carries each scene. We learn as Erik learns, and because of that, the film has a very introspective core. The film is quite emotional, and you will find yourself constantly asking yourself what you might do in Erik’s shoes, or have a gut reaction to reach through the screen in an attempt to intervene against the antagonists’ wicked schemes, making for a truly invigorating viewing experience.

DEAD AND DEADER (2006) While on a Special Forces mission in Cambodia, Lt. Quinn (Dead Cain) and the rest of his small platoon are blown up in an abandoned research facility when they come across the remains of what appears to be a failed experiment. However, Quinn awakens two days later in an army base morgue just before an autopsy is performed on him. After several quick tests, it is determined that Quinn is still clinically dead. What is also quickly determined is that he alone has retained his cognitive and motor skills, while the rest of his team has become ravenous monsters hungry for human flesh.

Quinn attempts to destroy the creatures before they can cause more destruction, and in the process picks up an ally in the base’s chef, Judson (comedian Guy Torry). When they are incorrectly suspected of being the killers, they escape the base and try to keep a low profile. But the infected undead have been multiplying, and when they stampede the bar to get the “food” inside, Quinn and Judson pick up a third ally, the bartender Holly. From the bar, the trio head for the funeral home where the last dead soldier should be, hoping to put an end the nightmare. But in their way stands Dr. Scott (Peter Greene), who’s obsession with finding everlasting life to beat his cancer started the research in Cambodia!

In this made for the Sci-Fi Channel production, which gets just above its usual output by avoiding an abundance of CGI, a solid premise to bring the dead back to life is sadly destroyed by uneven pacing, forced comedic dialog, wince-inducing movie references within said dialog, and below standard acting. Dean Cain, who has fallen a long way from the Man Of Steel, does what he can with the material given, but does not make a very convincing soldier (Was Richard Dean Anderson busy? Don’t they own him?). Guy Torry does his best Martin Lawrence sidekick impression here, and mixes in a bit of DEEP BLUE SEA’s LL Cool J for some hammy spiritualism. The worst offender here though is Susan Ward as she attempts to channel Carmen Electra. Suspension of disbelief allows us to accept the dead can walk and that soldiers are allowed to have frost-tipped hair, but no amount of disbelief is going to gloss over that a character this hot is going to be quoting STAR WARS or talking about a thesis comparison of the two DAWN OF THE DEADs. It just isn’t happening.

What the movie does going for it is Peter Greene (who gets “and” status in the credits) who brings his classic subtly psychotic and creepy demeanor to the screen. Though he doesn’t get much screen time, he easily commands the scenes he gets and his brief character gets just enough back story to rise above one-dimensional villain. The other thing DEAD AND DEADER has going for it is the decent splatter and zombie effects. Throughout the movie we get a few get decapitations, some limb tearing, a hand in a meat grinder, some good head shots, and some good ol’ fashioned gut-munching. The subtle make-up effects for Dean Cain are emphasized just enough to whisper “remember, I’m supposed to be dead” and get displayed in his multiple shirtless scenes. And as with any low-budget creature feature, they save the best for last, which in this instance is an action packed finale with our heroes battle a literal army of the undead in the catacombs of the military base.

Director Patrick Dinhut comes out of nowhere to make this his directorial debut. Dinhut has no other credits other than this picture, and the final product definitely shows. But Dinhut isn’t the only one at fault. Screenwriter credit is evenly distributed between Mark A Altman, who gave the world both HOUSE OF THE DEAD movies, and Steven Kriozere, who is responsible for scripts to the television shows V.I.P., Team Knight Rider and several cartoon series. It is no wonder the entire picture is so disjointed, it has dueling personalities vying for style and attitude. A bit of shoddy editing, especially during the fade outs to where the commercials would have been during the television broadcast, keep the viewer firmly planted in the mindset that this was made TV. Underneath the time-padding material and out-of-place comedy, is a pretty good zombie tale worthy of being told in an hour-long horror anthology. Unfortunately, the only thing scary about this movie is that it was not told in this manner.

NIGHT OF THE LIVING DORKS (2004) Three best friends, Philip, Wurst, and Konrad are three unpopular seniors just trying to make it through high school in one piece. One night, when the visit a Satanic ritual being performed by the school’s goth crowd, which includes Philip’s next door neighbor Rebecca, three friends are accidentally covered in the ashes of a Haitian zombie. While driving home, Wurst crashes his van, and the three wake up in the morgue. Unsure if they are stoned or if the medics just made a huge mistake, the three sneak back to Philip’s house.

It is only when watching Day Of The Dead that evening that the trip put two and two together and realize they are zombies. They take their new powers in stride, and put them to good use on the rugby field, and finally win a game against the jocks. But when Konrad begins to use his undead status to get back at all those that picked on them, Philip knows that they have to find an antidote and turns to Rebecca and her copy of the Necronomicon. If they can not finish the spell within thirty-six hours, they’ll be stuck as zombies forever!

Writer and Director Mathias Dinter gives us Germany’s entry into the rom-com-zom subgenre with this outing that focuses much more on the comedy aspect than the horror. Mathias’ inspiration and dedication seems to come almost exclusively from the worlds of REVENGE OF THE NERDS, AMERICAN PIE and CAN’T HARDLY WAIT, rather than the universe that George Romero has created. Dinter leaves all of the undead references to SHAUN OF THE DEAD, save for one quickie, which is a highlight of the film. Instead, Dinter focuses his efforts on the lives of his clueless and horny dorks as they try to cope with their new abilities and troubles they bring. The zombie aspect of the film could almost be any interchangeable variable that would have allowed Philip to gain sudden popularity.

Dinter completely drops any feeling of suspense or horror, and hardly dabbles in the gore department. Sure, there is a bit of neck biting and some severed limbs, but it is approached in a gross-out comedy way rather than blood-n-guts gross-out. Instead, Dinter drinks deep into the cup of gross-out teen comedy that has already been poured and generously borrows from his predecessors while adding a decidedly “German” touch. While there are plenty of solid laugh out loud moments, and several good set-ups and pay-offs, the standard plot remains easily predictable and has been done before in half a dozen languages.

The main acting crew here, consisting of German version of twenty-something WB actors pretending to be teenagers, do a decent job with the material, but no one here is winning any awards. Manuel Cortez, who plays the teacher-chasing perpetually-stoned Wurst, takes top prize in the comedy department, while Collien Fernandes, a former member of the bands Yam Yam and Suco E Sol, gives the movie its eye candy with her shy yet sexy role as Rebecca. The interaction here just enough

All rolled up, NIGHT OF THE LIVING DORKS is an easy to digest comedy that yucks it up rather than yucks you out. The film is even more approachable due to its complete lack of undead mythos built in, or jokes that will only play for a target audience, and works better as a companion piece to the oft-forgotten MY BOYFRIEND’S BACK, instead of trying to vie for attention against SHAUN OF THE DEAD. In the end, it becomes a by-the-numbers John Hughes film, house party scene and all. Just with zombies.

THE SLIT-MOUTHED WOMAN (2007) Rumors have been circulating from child to child in a small Japanese town that the Slit-Mouthed Woman has returned. She is an entity that appears for children alone, wearing a long raincoat, holding a giant pair of sewing shears, and has a horribly disfigured face with a jagged slash from ear to ear. After asking the child “Am I pretty?” she takes the child back to her hideout to cut up in her own image. When a child disappears from the playground, the entire town goes into hysterics, and when a second child is kidnapped, a teacher from the school, Ms Yamashita, witnesses the Slit-Mouthed Woman before both disappear.

Yamashita becomes obsessed with finding the young girl, and when she crosses paths with a fellow teacher, Mr. Matsuzaki, she learns much more than she bargained for. Matsuzaki believes that the Slit-Mouthed Woman is actually his mother from thirty years ago. He describes the constant abuse he and his siblings took from the fists of his chronically ill mother, and fears that she has since returned to the land of the living to kill him as well. Following the consistently corroborating rumors that they have heard from the children, Matsuzaki comes to the realization that the Slit-Mouthed Woman has once again taken up residence in the now abandoned house where he used to live.

The power and destruction that rumors and gossip can have when they spread like wildfire and morph into what is perceived to be truth takes on an unstoppable physical manifestation in this horror tale from director and co-writer Koji Shiraishi, who pulls pieces from a well-known Japanese folk legend. Shiraishi begins the film with an ambiguous energy that is not unlike the chicken-or-egg question. It is never revealed whether the Slit-Mouthed Woman strikes first, which start the rumors, or if the rumors start first which brings her into the real world. In either case, the Slit-Mouthed Woman draws her power from the collective gossip and fears circulating around the town. In that sense, she is very much Japan’s answer to Freddy Krueger of A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET, with a maternal twist. She is an unstoppable force that can not be killed. She has no true physical form, and can only be seen when she possesses the body of a caring mother.

Koji Shiraishi, who has spent his entire filmmaking career in the warm embrace of Japan’s horror community, is no stranger to shadows and jump scares. He utilizes these skills into a very subtle yet driving force within the context of the film here. His camera slowly pans and creeps along doorways and walls, obstructing the view just enough to make you anticipate the next shocking moment. However, the most horrific moments and the most difficult scenes to watch come from the flashback sequences of Matsuzaki’s youth. Here, as a human, Matsuzaki’s mother is truly a monster. Shiraishi lets his camera linger as the woman walks from child to child, striking with her fists. The muffled sound of each contact will send pangs of helplessness down to your soul, and Shiraishi holds just long enough for the viewers own protective instincts to kick in before turning away. This is where the film finds its greatest success, and it is these scenes that will most likely stay with the viewer longest.

Although children seem to be the targets of this entity, it is the mothers of the town that are the true victims. They become powerless and helpless to stop their children from being taken away, even when they attempt to protect them with their very lives via maternal instinct. That these caring mothers are possessed by the Slit-Mouthed Woman, who then in turn maims and murders. In the ultimate perversion of maternal care, this woman only instinct is to lash out, hurt, and kill not only her own children, but any child that has a loving environment. Teens have long been fodder for slaughtering, but only in very rare instances do young children become victims in modern horror. In the world of this movie, young children are not safe from harm, and the film’s creators take a daring step over a line that has been repeated drawn in cinema.

Within the murder and maiming sequences though, almost all of the actual penetration and cutting is done just off camera. Instead, sound is used to its greatest potential here. Horror crafters have long known that the mind can create a vision far more terrifying than anything that can be faked, and Shiraishi is certainly no exception. The grisly sounds the Slit-Mouthed Woman’s sewing shears make will send shivers down the spine. Most people have probably been cut by scissors at some point in their life, and that real-life connection to pain makes the scenes just that more agonizing to watch. We are shown multiple mouth-gaping shots of the Slit-Mouthed Woman throughout the film, which are quite convincing. These are not the neat and surgical cuts of ICHI THE KILLER’s Kakihara, these are jagged slashes, and the skin looks like it has even been torn beyond the initial cut.

The subject matter at hand is quite subjective. While those viewing who do not have children will most likely focus on the more supernatural mystery end of the film’s spectrum, parents watching will no doubt be focusing on the plight of the worrying parents. More sensitive viewers may want to avoid this one, as this is a fairly mean-spirited film and though you’ll get some good scares out of it, there is little entertainment value to be found here.

The U.S. arm of Tartan’s Asia Extreme label has picked up THE SLIT-MOUTHED WOMAN for domestic release this summer. Stay posted for more details.

HORROR BUSINESS (2005) The genre of horror offers something unique and wonderful for both the viewer and filmmaker. For the viewer, it allows an emotional exposure - whether it be the willful submission to fright or the ability to confront ones own mortality and the reality of death - that can not be found in any other genre. For the filmmaker, it is the most “accessible” genre to begin making movies that only requires a camera, a few friends or cheap actors, some fake blood, and a half-decent concept to bring a story to life. While some filmmakers use horror as a springboard to bigger and better things, there are some that are compelled to the point of obsession, to make horror movies no matter the obstacles and insurmountable odds.

It is these filmmakers that documentarian Christopher P Garetano follows in HORROR BUSINESS, a creation two years in the making. Garetano focuses his effort on several micro-budget filmmakers living on the fringes of cinema’s society, including Ron (NECROMANIAC) Atkins, David (ZOMBIE HONEYMOON) Gebroe, David (CATHARSIS) Stagnari and Mark (SCARE ME) Borchardt, who was previously the subject the 1999 documentary AMERICAN MOVIE, which chronicled his journey to make his first short film, COVEN. Garetano also spends some time with special effects creator Tate Steinsiek, who is “living his dream”. Each of these men have such a raw devotion to making movies, the power of cinema, and horror in particular, that even for those who have never had the desire to pick up a camera will be moved by their unwavering allegiance to celluloid (or at least magnetic VHS tape).

Garetano gives us a fly-on-the-wall perspective of movie making. Here, we see the process of setting up shots, the stress of controlling the shooting environment, and most intimately, the thoughts of these directors and their own battles with self-doubt and self-conscious criticism. Their biggest detractors are themselves, and all they want to do is make sure that their final product is not just another piece of crap. Beyond the behind-the-scenes footage, each director is extensively interviewed and gives us their thoughts on the horror genre, their feelings on Hollywood, “independent” films, critics, viewers and basically anyone that comes in contact with the genre.

HORROR BUSINESS also takes a look at how horror is perceived and Garetano scores some impressive, if brief, interviews with some big names that give their thoughts on what the genre means. Herschell Gordon Lewis, the “Godfather Of Gore”, takes a huge stab at current movie makers who have forgotten that a movie’s most important goal is to entertain. Sid Haig gives a rallying call to those determined to make it. Joe Bob Briggs, everyone’s favorite cult film critic, give us the three rules for any beginning director. Lloyd Kaufman, president of Troma and legendary maverick director, offers his take on movie making. Editor of Fangoria Magazine Tony Timpone steps in to offer the prerequisite defense of horror movies against those who may believe the genre to create real life killers.

There is a huge world of underground filmmakers just waiting their audience to find them. Much like the documentary HYPE! did for the “Seattle Scene” back in 1996, this documentary offers a compilation of sorts via clips and trailers to directors and films that fall below the radar of the average citizen, who are waiting to be discovered by those that have grown tired of a system that regularly churns out one tired and watered down film after another. These are the punks of the movie world, who play a low-slung digital camera instead of an out-of-tune guitar, and refuse to play by the rules. If you like it, they’ll be your best friend. If you don’t, well you can just go fuck yourself back to the multiplex.

The DVD has recently released by Image, which presents the film as it originally played on the festival circuit and is presented in its original widescreen ratio. Director Garetano gives a heartfelt introduction before the feature and promises a follow-up documentary to see where his subjects have gone since he last saw them.. The DVD also includes Garetano’s short film 365 Ways To Cook Chicken, the documentary short The Escape Of Horror Business, a trailer reel, and art portfolio.

HORROR BUSINESS is currently available on Amazon.com

PERTH (2004) Harry Lee is a middle-aged Singaporean who has been unable to keep up with the modern changes in society, and has been left behind by a world that does not care. His dream, which he can not help but talk about to anyone within earshot, is to emigrate to Perth in Australia. He has been saving and saving, but when he is laid off from his current job, he must reduce himself to driving a taxi to make ends meet.

It is as a taxi driver that Harry, along with his longtime friend Selva, is tapped by his old supervisor Angry Boy to become a driver for an underground prostitution trafficking racket. The high wage he’ll receive will help him to get to Perth that much faster, and which can not come any sooner. For the city of Singapore seems to be closing in around Harry, and what little control he has over his life is quickly slipping away. Harry’s first assignment is to become the driver of Mai, a Vietnamese woman who has come to raise money to pay off a gambling debt and support her family. Harry becomes instantly enchanted by her. When Harry’s payday comes, he asks that Angry Boy use the money to buy Mai’s freedom.

After a night of heavy drinking with Selva, Harry believes that Angry Boy has not kept his promise. In reality, it is his boss who says no to Mai’s release, but Harry only sees it as Angry Boy being unfaithful to his word. In Harry’s drunken stupor, he surmises that the only way to set Mai free is a brutal assault on the club armed only with his trusty machete!

For many people, the first real introduction to Singapore was in 1994 with the highly-publicized caning of Michael Fay for vandalizing cars. From here, we quickly learned of Singapore’s tough enforcement on crimes and keeping the city clean. Director and writer Djinn (who real name is Ong Lay Jinn) attempts here to show that while Singapore tries to keep a very clean public image, the reality is, like any other big city, it has problems with crime, drugs, and a very real sex industry. His vision of Singapore is a grimy and gritty, literally shown via the quality of the filmstock. Many of the scenes take place within the shadow of night, while the few day scenes are smeared with an ugly hue.

PERTH suffers from being unavoidably comparable to TAXI DRIVER, in that Harry is an ex-soldier now making a living driving taxis, and eventually comes to the conclusion that by saving a prostitute, he will in turn redeem his own life. Unfortunately, PERTH suffers further with the fact that Harry is not likable in the least. He drinks constantly, he beats his wife, and there is nothing given to the viewer to allow a moment compassion to him for the way life has treated him. If anything, Harry’s current life is wholly of his own creating. However, Kay Tong Lim, who portrays Harry, does give a very compelling performance and while you may not like Harry, watching the pathetic character at least is not boring.

The saving grace for PERTH, is that Harry serves as only a piece of paper to send a message written by Djinn to the world from Singapore. Through Harry, he is able to talk about the rampant consumerism that has taken over Singapore, the loss of importance on the individual, and above all to show the many blemishes of the city that are desperately attempted to by hidden, not least of which is the prostitution and sex trafficking ring that permeates through the poor sections, and the very cruel business that it is. If the film does find its audience though, it will most likely be due to the final scene, which as with TAXI DRIVER, crescendos in a brutal bloodbath, and while quick, is a great payoff after watching ninety minutes of Harry spiraling downward.

Purchase this movie on Amazon.com